Tattoo You

         I’ve been trying to figure out why everyone has a tattoo these days. Everywhere I look I see little arm doodles. Celtic knots, Asian dragons, broken hearts with barbed wire around them. (What does that mean? Did your heart rob a bank? Is it a political prisoner?)
         Whatever their reasons for getting them people are always happy to show them to you. One woman I had known for all of 30 seconds pulled up her shirt in a bar to show me a tattoo on her back of an angel with huge breasts. Like most people the first thing I look for angels is big boobs. I mean what’s the point of having an angel if she isn’t stacked, right?
I asked her why she put it on her back where she couldn’t see it.
         “It’s for my man when he takes me from behind.”
         Ok, first of all, I love hearing women use the phrase, “take me from behind.” It’s sexy but not really dirty. You don’t want your girlfriend to be too nasty. “Take me like an Irish Setter” does not get me in the mood. It makes me want to give them a flea bath.
         Secondly, if your boyfriend is so bored by the view when he “takes you from behind” maybe you should set your sites a little higher in the boyfriend department. Maybe look for a guy who doesn’t fall asleep on your neck.
         And what if your next boyfriend doesn’t like angels? What if he wants a ship? Now you have to put that angel on the bow of the Santa Maria and hope everything lines up right. Big angel, tiny ship. You don’t want to intimidate anyone.
         I guess I’ve always been scared to get a tattoo because I can’t think of anything I want on my body now that I want there 20 years from now. When I was 10 years old my favorite thing in the whole world was a bologna sandwich. Not a particular bologna sandwich, I mean bologna sandwiches in general. I’m in my 40s now. If I had a tattoo of a bologna sandwich on my back I’d have to pay someone to add a picture of an angel with big boobs eating it.
         Most of the people I know with tattoos are in college. None of them have declared a major yet. If you don’t know what you want to be when you grow up how do you know what you want to look like when you grow up?
         Many of them look down at plastic surgery. “God what happened to aging gracefully?” one of them said. Sure, there’s definitely something creepy about grandma’s face being pulled back like Saran Wrap over a bowl of potato salad but is it possible to age gracefully with a tattoo? Fifty years from now that tattoo of Axl Rose is going to look like Jessica Tandy.
         It’s such a permanent decision that I’m surprised anyone can make it. I have a panic attack when I’m in Blockbuster and they announce they’re closing in 15 minutes. Action or Romance? Classic or Arthouse? What if the Woody Allen movie sucks like the last five? What if Jennifer Garner’s cheekbones can’t save Electra 2? At least it isn’t carved into my forearm.
         The latest trend in tattooing is to call it body art. I liked it better when tattooing was kind of dirty. To me, tattoos were in the same category with joining a gang or stealing cars. It was dangerous. If you had a tattoo it meant something. It meant that you rode a Harley and once killed someone with your bare hands. Now all that means is that somebody got you a gift certificate at the mall.
         I see 15-year-old girls with tattoos. Do you know what that means? They took their mom with them to the tattoo shop! Is that what tattoos are now? Something you get on your way home from soccer practice? What’s the point of getting an underage tattoo if you don’t have to hide it from you parents? Does your family sit home and download porn together too?
         The only people that scare me with tattoos now are the ones that get them on the face or neck. That’s the kind of person who thinks the first impression should also be the last impression. If you’re going to get a face tattoo you may as well just draw a big middle finger on your forehead. “Hi, I’ve decided to make all future social interactions judgmental and awkward.”
         You really need to think about what you’re going to be doing for the rest of your life when you get a public tattoo. A few months ago I saw a guy buying a lottery ticket with “Born to Lose” tattooed on his neck. I guess he changed his mind.